#7: Mirror, Mirror On the Wall

When trying to be liked can leave you unseen.

Process check-in:

107 subscribers, share with friends, blah blah… It’s been too long, let’s get into it! :)

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The Disappearing Act

Today, I want to tell you about a client of mine, Brent. (Details changed for privacy, as always.)

Brent, a software engineer, was feeling worried and nervous at work. He avoided the water-cooler gossip circle, and his palms would sweat every time the phone rang.

He was also new in town and struggling to make friends.

As we worked together, I started noticing something. There was a mismatch—a disconnect between who I saw as Brent, and how he described himself socially.

When I asked about it, Brent shared that he often found himself changing not just his personality, but even his accent, depending on who he was with. (Try saying y’all with a northeastern accent—exactly.)

“That sounds exhausting,” I said.

Brent nodded. “I just wish people would like me…”

But here’s the wild thing: Brent is actually very likable.

So why was he hiding? What was Brent missing??

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Why We Perform (and Why It Backfires)

People who are socially anxious often put on facades—or code switch—in an effort to control how they’re perceived, a behavior psychologists call impression management.

Here’s three common reasons why:

1. To avoid rejection

   Shifting our personality, tone, or even accent can feel like a way to lower the risk of being disliked or excluded.

2. To gain approval

   We present a version of ourselves we think will be more likable, more impressive, or more “normal,” hoping it’ll earn us some social points.

3. To reduce anxiety

   Performing creates the illusion of control. If we can predict and shape how others see us, it feels like we’re managing the social threat.

These behaviors show up in small and big ways:

• Using different slang with different groups

• Standing straighter when the boss walks by

• Laughing at jokes we don’t find funny

• Downplaying our opinions

• Swallowing comments we fear might not land

We all do this to some extent, and often without even realizing. It’s normal to adjust a bit depending on context.

But when these changes are driven by fear, when they’re about rejection, people-pleasing, or control, they start to get in the way.

They might look like social skill. But often, they’re survival.

And while these strategies may work temporarily, they rarely build true connection.

They just make us disappear.

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Brent’s Happily Ever After

During the course of our work together, Brent began to shift his focus. Not toward trying to be more impressive, but toward trying to be more himself.

He still cared what people thought, of course. I mean, we all do.

But the more he let himself show up without hyper-focusing on his social performance, the less anxious he felt. And, ironically, the more people seemed to actually like him.

Turns out, people weren’t rejecting the real Brent.

They just hadn’t met him yet.

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The Takeaway

You want a good recipe for anxiety?

Try being who you think others want you to be. It works every time.

But when we get clear on who we are, and give ourselves permission to actually show up that way, social interactions become a whole lot easier, and a lot more meaningful.

Maybe that means realizing, like I did, that you’re more of pocket protector person than sunglasses squad member. (The nerd community is very accepting, for the record 🤓)

For Brent, it meant dropping the fake city voice and embracing the fried-food-loving Southerner who can’t stop saying y’all.

You probably already know where this lands for you.

But here’s the point:

Once you clarify who you are, you might stop feeling the need to perform.

And surprisingly, you might find the very people you were trying to impress like you more when you stop trying so hard.

Authenticity is compelling.

So get out there, find a hat that fits, and wear it proudly.

And if you see Brent at the hat store, tell him I say hi.